This is a subject that is widely debated amongst Christians, and I’m sure you will have a different view on this than me, but here is our little take on this vast subject.
All through the Bible children are regarded as blessings, gifts, and rewards from the Lord. I firmly believe that and if you read much of this blog, you will also know that Lowell and I hold our children in high esteem. In fact, they’re our life. Please remember this as you read this post.
To me, the Scriptures are very vague on the hows, whens, and wherefores of planning your family. God does not say how big the “quiver” is or how often the children should come. Could it be perhaps that He has left some decisions such as this up to us?
After reading much on this issue, I personally believe that there are two dangerous ditches that a person can fall into. One ditch is that of pure selfishness where a married couple is more concerned with themselves, their lives, careers, and finances than about raising a soul for Him. The other ditch is where Christians make it a hard and fast rule that any and all birth control is sin.
I do not personally believe that either of those are Biblically correct. But I am going to speak mostly on the one which dogmatically pushes the idea that we should use nothing to space our children.
Let’s look first at what God says about having children:
God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth.” Genesis 1:28
Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord; and the fruit of the womb, is His reward. Proverbs 127:3
I believe the attitude we have towards our children is of utmost importance. We can have two children and see them as more of a blessing than someone who has twelve. This fundamental principle regarding children is all through the Bible. Even Jesus loved children and wanted them near Him.
When we were first married, I read a book which strongly promoted the idea that all birth control is wrong and should be left up to God. I quickly latched onto that since I have always wanted to have twelve children from the time I was a teen. My husband wasn’t entirely convinced it was right, but allowed us to try it.
I was happy to claim this as my little Christian soapbox until I began to see how it was making me. I became prideful and self-righteous. Where I should have had grace, instead I became judgemental of those who only had two children. Never knowing that maybe they had been trying for years with no success. And in my hasty judgement, not stopping to ask or offer sympathy.
This way of “no birth control” lasted for about one baby. By then I had begun to realize that this view was narrow-minded at best and allowed for no consideration of personal circumstances. Since then, I have watched many women having both large and small families and these are my findings.
1. My husband is the head of our home – as appointed by God. For me to push my way when he doesn’t give his consent is wrong. I personally know this and am ashamed at not submitting with my whole heart, but pushing that my way was the more spiritual way. I didn’t stop to consider that God might have been speaking to my husband and not me.
2. Children are a blessing, not a command. It seems that some have turned this blessing of children into a command. God also says in Proverbs 18:22 that a wife is a blessing from God. Yet God desires that a married man have only one wife. Another thing to consider that if this would be a command, then those who are single would be living in sin. For procreation is for marriage only, so those not married would not be following the command to have children.
3. A theory like this is one that can cause not only self-righteousness, but bodily harm. Our bodies are fallen bodies and pregnancy drains a woman’s body. We need time between little ones to rebuild and recuperate, as well as to enjoy that precious blessing.
Many mothers suffer postpartum depression and they need time to recover mentally from that. What do the people who push this theory say to the mom who is in tears every day and feels like she is in a deep, black hole with no way out? Or her depression is so bad she cannot sleep, plus take care of a tiny newborn, other children, a home, and a husband? Sometimes I feel these women are left with much guilt that they don’t measure up — even when they are doing the absolute best they can. Then there are the extreme cases such as Andrea Yates who is an example of severe postpartum depression that caused much harm and heartbreak.
4. This mindset of no birth control does not take into account our fallen world. I would have loved to continue having children whenever they came, although without the self-righteousness and pride, but life took other turns. My husband was in a motorcycle accident which left him in severe pain for a couple years. As anyone with excruciating pain knows, he could not handle loud noise and much commotion. Plus, within months following his accident, the economy crashed and finances got tighter than they had ever been in our married life.
There are also families who have an extremely heavy burden such as a child with cancer, a father who is handicapped and unable to work, or a marriage on the brink of collapse. What does this way propose for them?
This is where we can plan our lives a certain way, but sometimes God allows circumstances which we have no control over. And choosing to bring a child into those circumstances is something I believe God leaves up to us – a decision which we should make with much prayer and wisdom.
5. Children are an eternal soul, not a number we spout off to impress our friends. More than the rate and number we can reproduce at, we need to take seriously the command to “Train up a child in the way he should go…” The Bible speaks much more on the training of children than it does on the procreation of them. They are priceless souls placed into our care by the Father Himself.
6. There are some people who choose to do this way for their own family, and that is honorable. Some have been blessed both financially and physically to where they can care for as many children as may come. They should not be looked down on, nor held to be above everyone. It is their own personal conviction.
It should also be pointed out that the judging can go on from both sides of this issue. None of us are exempt from pride and conceit. But instead we should extend grace to those who choose to space their children. And we should also extend grace to those who through much prayer decide to have as many children as they can.
The part we need to be wary of is when either view is pushed dogmatically as the only Christian option – when it isn’t clearly spelled out in the Bible.
There is one birth control option, though, which I believe no married, Christian woman should ever use. (in marriage – where there is a possibility of conception) I know this sounds strong, but I stand firmly behind it. This option is hormonal birth control, such as the Pill, which is an abortifacient – it has the potential to kill a fertilized egg (your newly-conceived baby).
I will not go into great detail here, but if you are currently using some form of hormonal birth control, I urge you to read the book Does the Birth Control Pill Cause Abortions? by Randy Alcorn. The Pill has three mechanisms it uses to achieve its effectiveness. 1. It suppresses ovulation (releasing of the egg). 2. It thickens cervical mucous, making it difficult for sperm to reach the egg. 3. It alters the lining of the uterus so that it cannot (or is less able to) sustain the implanting of the fertilized egg.
Numbers one and two simply don’t allow the egg and sperm to meet. But number three is abortive by not allowing the newly-conceived embryo to implant and continue the life journey it has already begun. I strongly plead with you to research this before considering this option, for as Christians, all life is considered precious to our Heavenly Father. Whether it be one day old or 100 years old.
In conclusion, these are my thoughts and I’m sure you have yours, so if you leave a comment please do so kindly and respectfully to all. Where the Bible is silent, is where it takes studying and personal researching to come to a conclusion, so you are welcome to voice your own opinion. However, if it gets too heated, I will have to turn the comments off. So let’s be gracious to everyone posting. Thank you!
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Carolyn says
Thank You, Kendra. Well written!
Kendra Graber says
Thanks for the encouragement, Carolyn. 🙂
Anonymous says
Well written article Kendra.
Recently a lady showed me the verse in the Bible that says we are saved by child bearing and pointed out that if we do anything to prevent it we are in sin. I just didn’t agree with her. What about women who want a child with all their heart and soul? Are they not saved?
Thank you for the thought provoking article.
Kendra Graber says
Oh what hurt a belief like that must cause infertile mothers. I wonder what they say to the verse where God opens and closes the womb?
befree says
Thank you Kendra for speaking so clearly on this subject. I too have seen both sides of the equation and find the self righteousness so repugnant. Th “works” of childbirth surely cannot save us or any other. Perhaps this is another device of the adversary of souls to separate believers and take our eyes off of Jesus. Bless you. I enjoy your blog-it’s been inspirational for this older mother!
Brenda Filbrun
Kendra Graber says
Thank you, Brenda. Your comment is an inspiration to me! I love to learn from older mothers – they have much wisdom.
Lorraine Giesbrecht says
I agree its something that God gave us wisdom to decide,and discern what we can handle, I am extremely excited for our new addition in march and i’ve had people tell me i have lost all my marbles since this is number 5, but thats ok nothing will take away the excitment i have 🙂
Kendra Graber says
Congratulations again, Lorraine!
Elisabeth F. says
Hi Kendra, Thank you so much for your very balanced article. My husband and I have “only” two boys, but we feel so blessed with them. I do believe that God’s desire for each family is to be balanced and happy, following His plan. God has a different plan for each family, and we must be careful not to judge others with our own criteria. Only God knows the heart of each one. He is a God of relation, and if each couple prayerfully consider child bearing, I believe God will show them His ways. Congratulations to Lorraine. Jeremiah 29: 11-14 (a)
Kendra Graber says
Very true! Thank you, Elisabeth.
On the Hill says
I enjoy reading the articles that you write, and enjoyed this one too. My older brother used to say the only person he would believe when they said they didn’t believe in Birth Control was a man in PA who had 17 children, and their children talked about the 2 years they didn’t have a baby they took a trip!
I would caution you tho’ that you shouldn’t take for granted that those of us who may have larger families are any more financially blessed than those of us who may have smaller ones. I have always said that I’m not sure why some couples have to try so hard to have a family, and some of the rest of us try hard not to have too many!!
Don’t get me wrong, we love everyone we have, but if we had been choosing, in light of our finances, we wouldn’t have chosen to have so many…you learn to juggle your resources to take care of what God has entrusted to you!! Just sayin’!! ~Dena
Kendra Graber says
Thank you, Dena! I love to hear other people’s stories of God’s faithfulness – whether through finances or “surprise” babies. Two of our five were surprises – I personally love surprises. 🙂 Thanks again for your comment – it helps to see another view on this.
Beth Cover says
Kendra – your advice to young moms and judging was spot on! I feel like a lot of young moms with visions of perfection via their growing family quietly judge a lot of others. Thanks for calling that sin as it is. Love you and wish we could chat in person! i also am thankful for your courage, because not many of us could be so public about this. and that is an “atta girl” for you =)
Kendra Graber says
Thanks, Beth. You are an inspiration to me! 🙂
Anonymous says
Amen to this post! I could esp. relate to point #3. Not all women bounce back as quickly as others, and to feel pressured to have another baby immediately would be too much to bear.
Gina says
Thank you so much, Kendra for sharing your insights and testimony. Sounds likes you and I have been on the same journey – and have arrived at the same place! Oh, the need for wisdom that when we receive God’s truth on something like the blessing of children, that we don’t take it to an extreme that He never meant. Or take the nudging of the Lord in our heart to mean that every other person needs to do the same thing.
Blessings,
Gina
Kendra Graber says
So true, Gina.
Stephanie says
Thank you for this post. It is very refreshing to hear a balanced point of view. I have struggled with this for many years. I felt at a very young age before we were even married to trust the Lord for the size of our family. My husband (fiance at the time) and I, prayed and fasted and felt we were to trust the Lord. I have very difficult pregnancies, so this was confusing to us. We would “take our trust back” and then give it again and again till #3. After that we felt we were done but then the Lord convicted me again and opened up my heart to trusting Him. I prayed and prayed and asked the Lord to show my husband what to do because I was wanting to let him lead. Then he suddenly felt like were to just trust the Lord with this again. Well time went by and months later I became pregnant. It was funny to actually worry that I wouldn’t become pregnant after all that. But when my little girl came, the Lord used her to change our lives. Without going into the personal details I will just say that because of some needs she had, the Lord revealed some major things about our marriage. He used her little life to set us free. My marriage was not a bad one by any means but there was sin that was hidden. Once revealed we were on a new beautiful path of freedom and love. Then came #5 born on the very exact day that was promised to my husbands sister as she lay dying of breast cancer. Then came #6 which was a gift to my dying grandmother (and spiritual mother), the Lord even gave her the name Peter for him while he was in the womb and we didn’t even know it was a boy! Now I am pregnant with #7 and this one is due the very day that is the anniversary of my husband’s sisters death. I only share all these things to point to a beautiful, creative and incredible God who knew each of these precious ones before they were even in the womb. Don’t get me wrong…we did take a little space between #6 & 7 and I finally feel at peace to just pray about each one and when to trust my husbands leading about needing space. I am walking in grace and finally feeling the freedom to not follow man and their legalism or their totally selfish natures. I have to walk in the way He leads me and trust that if I am wandering of that perfect path He has for me, He will gently lead me and my husband back on it. He knows us and takes into account our circumstances, but He also likes to show us He is bigger then them as well. Our finances have never been tighter but even with having to sell our home to make it, He is using that to lead us to even greater blessings that we would have missed if we didn’t have to sell our house! Hope that all makes sense. I love that you said to stay prayerful and seek Him in it all. That is really where it is at!! Thank you so much.
Kendra Graber says
What a beautiful testimony! I love your thought that God knows of the little ones before they were even conceived. Thank you for sharing this!
Jennifer says
I followed you here from Jammerill’s link-up. I love your take on this. While I would love to have a large family, and my husband has expressed his desire to have 3 children, we sadly waited too long to realize this and start our family and we are at a point where we are pushing health and safety with baby #2 (due in November), as I am going to be 38 when he is born and I also have diabetes. Thank you for your support for those of us who want, but can’t have (for whatever reason) a large family…and for those of us who are not as comfortable (again, for whatever reason) having a large family.
Kendra Graber says
Thank you, Jennifer. I pray everything goes okay with this baby and November arrives here soon and brings a healthy baby with it. 🙂
Anonymous says
Thanks, Kendra, and well said.
Love! Mom G
Jennifer D says
When my husband and I got married, I wanted children right away. Yet he wanted to wait the proverbial “2 years”. God had other plans. I was on the pill and became pregnant. We lost that child, but very soon we were expecting again. Our eldest was born 2 weeks before our 1st anniversary. When she was 6 mths old, I was given a shot of Depo-provera. Exactly 2 weeks later, my husband was convicted of “giving” the control to our Lord for the size of our family and without hesitation, I agreed. I say “giving” because He has the control anyways, whether we take something or use natural family planning methods to prevent a pregnancy. Now our eldest is 13 and our youngest, #8, is almost 9 mths old. We don’t use any form of birth control, for we don’t believe it is for us to control, and our children range from 18-23 mths. We are not financially “well off”, but we do pay our bills. In fact, when each new addition was to make their appearance, He provided an increase of income, however small it may have been.
Yet I can not place my convictions on another, not when there is no scripture to back it up. Certainly, if it stated “thou shalt not prevent conception”, this disagreement would stop right here. I have a dear friend, that after her 4th child, it was decided for her to get her tubes tied. This was for safety reasons, yet it was a difficult one to make. I have known other women who have bursting households, and their physical and mental state is alarming…. we know that Gods opens and closes the womb, so why do some women have many children yet are not able to care for them? While others never have any children, yet want them? While others still have many children and do just fine, with pregnancy and beyond? Isn’t He the same God over all?… Of course He is. “My thoughts are not your thoughts, saith the Lord. And My ways are not your ways…”. The truth is, there isn’t a humanly accepted answer to these questions and I firmly believe that we should trust the Lord in all things. Who better to follow than the one who knows tomorrow? When we prayerfully seek Him, He will be found. My tomorrow looks different then yours, so the answer might be different. Yet the answer will not contradict scripture, of that we can be sure. The Lord knows what each of us can handle. (sorry for writing a book in your comment section… 😉 )
anonymous says
Somehow I came across this and thought it was a recent post. But thanks forspeaking about the pill. Its what I thought but I’ve found myself questioning if it really is wrong. Barrier methods just aren’t working for us. Don’t get me wrong I love our children dearly but can’t imagine 12 or anything. Out of 6 we only tried one. What do you think of getting tubes tied? Wish I could see a survey of women who have done it and how they felt about it later.
Kendra says
My husband and I recently had a discussion on “permanent” birth control. We actually went to our pastor and he said that over the years he has studied the Bible concerning birth control and found nothing that would say it is wrong to do something like this. However, the Bible is very clear children are to be welcomed and rejoiced over and desired greatly! He recommended nobody do anything permanent after only a couple kids. I personally believe this needs to be something you and your husband can reach a mutual decision on. And then pray that God would give you His peace!
Kendra says
I just want to thank you so much for this post…this is how I originally found your sweet blog! My husband and I were really wrestling about birth control. I was on the pill for the first few months of our marriage, and after being deeply convicted by the types of reasons you outline in your blog plus the fact that the pill made me feel crazy, we decided to stop preventing children. God gave us our firstborn daughter shortly after, and then two years after her our second daughter. I’m about 30 weeks pregnant with our third daughter right now, I’m so thankful for all our little ladies! They bless me every single day! But I have had scary, high-risk pregnancies. My first was born 7 weeks early and spent weeks in the NICU after my water broke at 32 weeks. My second was full-term at 38 weeks but the entire pregnancy was high-risk for pre-term delivery and I suffered some bleeding problems. This pregnancy has had many ups and downs, we had a scare where my husband needed a biopsy for thyroid cancer and it took over 3 months for pathology to find out the nodules were benign for right now. It may develop into cancer over time, which is hard for me to deal with. I have dealt with bleeding problems again and new issues that put me at great risk for pre-term labor, but thanks be to God the baby is healthy right now! It’s just been extremely taxing on me emotionally, I’m afraid if we pursue any more pregnancies I may end up in the hospital for weeks and increase the risk for a very premature baby. We want to be wise. We have prayed about it and wrestled over it, and we finally feel God’s peace for “permanent” birth control in our situation. I know that the Lord is sovereign and if it’s His will I become pregnant again, “permanent” birth control will not stop Him. I have many friends who have 5, 6, 7 or 8 children and have no plans to start trying to prevent pregnancy. I’m so inspired by their faith and conviction, they are wonderful people who teach me so much about parenting with Christ at the center. Sometimes I truly wish I could walk that path, but I know that the Lord calls all our families to unique paths as we walk in Him.
Anyway, thank you for this article and for the grace you demonstrate. I love your heart!
Kendra says
Oh wow! You have certainly had your set of trials and hard times . . . everyone’s circumstances and lives are so unique that I believe we need to extend each other grace. When there is not a direct command for or against a specific action in Scripture, such as permanent birth control, I think we need to rely on God’s Spirit to guide us. May He continue to lead you and give you a safe delivery!! Sure hope your husband is okay, too. God bless.