Yet my own words over there on the right “… but we can promise you our hearts” kept nagging me.
So hopefully this won’t offend anyone . . . but here is my heart.
Written for all the women who’ve also said hello . . . . and then goodbye.
This was the day that should have been.
But it isn’t.
Many think I should be okay with this day.
But I’m not.
For this was the day I should have held you in my arms. I would have labored for hours, endured horrible pain, and then finally heard your sweet newborn cry.
All I hear is my heart shattering in the silence.
There should be size 1 diapers on the changing table and freshly-washed sleepers in the drawer. Baby powder on the shelf and tiny socks in the basket.
Only God knows how I cannot look at the places where all these things should have been.
I thought I’d be tough enough to stand against all the emotions this day would hold. Be the kind of woman who has strength and grace in the midst of sadness.
What a traitor the human heart is . . . I’m praying tomorrow holds strength.
I was counting on the day when I would swaddle you in a fuzzy blanket, hold you close, and breathe in your fresh, newborn smell.
Those blankets are still tucked away.
I would have proudly shown you to all my friends for the beautiful baby you were.
Instead, all I feel is a tightness around my heart as I think of what could have been.
We were going to be a little team – you and I. Rocking together in our rocking chair. Snuggled up with blankets and pillows.
The rocking chair still rocks. But it’s missing a sweet, vital part of it – you.
You would have depended upon me every minute of every hour those first few months. For feeding, bathing, dressing, sleeping, and loving.
The seconds tick by so slowly today. Will tomorrow never come?
I knew this day was coming. This day that should have been.
And again my heart is breaking for the precious darling that took wings and flew too soon to Heaven.
Yet while I mourn the day that never came, my heart lives for the day that of a certainty will be.
The day I get to see you running through the fields of Heaven will finally be the time when my heart can rest.
For there will never come another day that never was.
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