Yet my own words over there on the right “… but we can promise you our hearts” kept nagging me.
So hopefully this won’t offend anyone . . . but here is my heart.
Written for all the women who’ve also said hello . . . . and then goodbye.
This was the day that should have been.
But it isn’t.
Many think I should be okay with this day.
But I’m not.
For this was the day I should have held you in my arms. I would have labored for hours, endured horrible pain, and then finally heard your sweet newborn cry.
All I hear is my heart shattering in the silence.
There should be size 1 diapers on the changing table and freshly-washed sleepers in the drawer. Baby powder on the shelf and tiny socks in the basket.
Only God knows how I cannot look at the places where all these things should have been.
I thought I’d be tough enough to stand against all the emotions this day would hold. Be the kind of woman who has strength and grace in the midst of sadness.
What a traitor the human heart is . . . I’m praying tomorrow holds strength.
I was counting on the day when I would swaddle you in a fuzzy blanket, hold you close, and breathe in your fresh, newborn smell.
Those blankets are still tucked away.
I would have proudly shown you to all my friends for the beautiful baby you were.
Instead, all I feel is a tightness around my heart as I think of what could have been.
We were going to be a little team – you and I. Rocking together in our rocking chair. Snuggled up with blankets and pillows.
The rocking chair still rocks. But it’s missing a sweet, vital part of it – you.
You would have depended upon me every minute of every hour those first few months. For feeding, bathing, dressing, sleeping, and loving.
The seconds tick by so slowly today. Will tomorrow never come?
I knew this day was coming. This day that should have been.
And again my heart is breaking for the precious darling that took wings and flew too soon to Heaven.
Yet while I mourn the day that never came, my heart lives for the day that of a certainty will be.
The day I get to see you running through the fields of Heaven will finally be the time when my heart can rest.
For there will never come another day that never was.
- The Adventum CD Collection – Sale Now - March 27, 2021
- Alternative To Facebook Option - January 30, 2021
- The Beauty of the Hoary Head - January 2, 2021
Anonymous says
tears!! thanks for sharing Kendra! Sat. would be the due date for our little one that is in Heaven.but we are blessed beyond words that God has given us a bundle due in Feb.
Hugs to you!!!!
angela gingerich miller
Kendra Graber says
Thank you, Angela! You must let me know when your sweet baby arrives. 🙂
Anonymous says
God bless you and comfort you through these difficult days.I feel for you – those hurts are real and thank God He is there for each one. Thanks for sharing your heart.Kathy
Anonymous says
Thanks for sharing this, Kendra. I wish I could be there to give you a hug! I know exactly what you’re going through …and I know how much it hurts! You put words to the experience that many of us have went through. May God grant you comfort and strength to face the days ahead. I’ll be praying for you! 🙂
Kelly Gonzales says
Thank you for sharing this. It helps me to know that there are other moms out there who also mourn what would have been the birth day of their precious babies in heaven. ~Kelly G.
Rachel says
May 14, 2010.
The nursery was ready. The sweet little pink outfits were washed and loving folded; waiting to be use the first time (after 2 rounds of ‘blue’ outfits). The name was picked and what a sweet feminine name it was (is). I couldn’t wait to call family and friends to tell them that we finally had a little girl. 37 week OB visit went well; Dr. got a good strong heartbeat. The end was drawing near. Oh, I couldn’t wait to meet that little girl!
2 days later I was told by my doctor that there was no longer a heartbeat. In shock I begged my husband to come be with me. I sobbed the sad news to my mother on the phone and asked her to tell the rest of the family. I shut down mentally; the pain was too great. Somehow, I went though the very difficult birth. I dressed my little girlie only one time. Then I watched the man from the funeral home wheel her away. And I went home to face the soft pink sheets mocking me with there emptiness. And the sweet outfits looking so forlorn.
Today, the memory is still there. The pain is less intense. I will never forget my little girl. God has given us another son since then and what healing he has brought. Praying for the healing only God can give for you, my (virtual) friend. May God grant you peace as you remember and mourn ‘what should have been’. Hugs, Rachel
Kendra Graber says
Rachel, your story makes me want to weep. I am so sorry. So glad God gives grace…..where would we be without that? ~ Kendra
Sharon says
Kendra, what a day that will be! Thanks for sharing your heart. Hugs to you… Sharon
Sarah : ) www.crumbsundermytable.blogspot.com says
Praying for you! We have two precious children who are with our sweet Savior. I still cry over them and long to hold them. I know that I am a mother of five, not just three. But God has been so good to us and there is a blessing in knowing that I will never worry or have to pray for their salvation. My father comforted me after our first loss, with the words, “They have already been redeemed.”. Praying that the God of all comfort grant you strength, peace, and sustaining grace through this! Love in Christ!
Carolyn says
{hugs}, Kendra. And tears and prayers, too.
Arlene says
Dear Kendra ~ … words fail me. Much Love and heartfelt prayers … again
Lydia says
I know the ache….and pray that you will continue to find healing. Thanks for sharing this!
damar says
Thanks for sharing. My heart goes out to all the mama’s that face that terrible pain of having carried a wee babe but never get the blessing of holding them. May He continue to carry you through this painful time. Blessings! Mariann
ESther Graber says
Kandra~ I just came across this pose, These words feel like words from my own heart..Thank you for them! I miss my little Braxton and wonder what life would be like with him. If I would have had him by now or still be waiting! I Cant wait to see my little boy when I get to Heaven running with arms stretched out wide saying “Mommy Mommy” and holding him so tight!!
Living in the Shoe says
Esther, you have been on my mind and heart lately. It’s hard when others go on to have a healthy pregnancy and you’re left with empty arms. Yet like you said, what a glorious Hope we have of seeing our babies in Heaven someday! Praying for you that God will bless you again.
Joanna says
Kendra, Congratulations on your precious baby boy! I know everyone is happy to have another addition to your family! I came over to read this blog post after seeing you had lost several babies. I also have 2 babies I’m longing to meet someday in Heaven! I was expecting our 6th child in October, and just lost her 3 wks. ago at 23 weeks. My heart aches for the little girl we would have had, and I’m sure they’re will be some harder days ahead yet, especially my due date like you talked about. You have such a good way of putting your feelings into words – keep it up! The second to last sentence in this post is exactly how I feel, and makes me long for Heaven all the more!
Living in the Shoe says
Oh, Joanna! I am so sorry. I know that no words I say can take away the hurt your heart holds at the moment. Yet time does have a way of healing . . . I will be praying for you!