We’ve all seen her. The tired, stressed-out mama with a trail of little ones behind her.
She’s the one who looks to be battling tears at the checkout line in the grocery store. Her toddler is yanking gum off the shelf, the baby is screaming in his carrier, two more kids are shoving each other around while the oldest is trying to be helpful and unload groceries . . . until the eggs land on the floor. And don’t look, but there might be one more happy-chappy on the bottom rack of her shopping cart.
No wonder she’s almost in tears.
Then some well-meaning soul comes up, head bobbing up and down as she counts all the littles running around, and utters those fateful words.
“Oh, you have so many children! And how old is the oldest? 8?
Well, I had 6 children within 6 years!“
Now I may not be speaking for every single mom in the world today, but I think I can speak for the general population when I say that that is one of the most unhelpful things someone can say to a mom that is about to lose her cookies (figuratively speaking, of course).
It doesn’t help her through the checkout line any faster. It doesn’t help her cope with sleepless nights any better. It doesn’t add to her sense of self-esteem one iota.
What it does do is make her feel like less of a mom because her kids came with a little more space between them than what yours did.
If you had any advice you were going to give her, it may not be well-received at this point – because of the words you just uttered. Instead, it has now given you an air of pride, whether you meant it that way or not. And I have found that it’s more difficult to take advice from a prideful person. There is just something that stands in the way and makes the receiving a little harder.
I read several Christian blogs, have read quite a few articles, and seen people’s comments in social media. And I’m saddened by this attitude that has snuck into our mommy circles. It’s the attitude that “if you have your children in a very short period of time, you get to move one more rung up the ladder to sainthood.”
Posh and nonsense! I’m here to tell you that attitude is one that needs to be nipped in the bud. It does nothing but cause division and hard feelings. It might make you feel better about yourself, but that’s probably the only person who feels better by it.
God does not condone this type of attitude either. Each and every child is precious in His eyes . . . whether they come 10 months apart or 10 years apart. And we know He loves the mamas of those children just as much, too.
One more thing to consider if you’re ever tempted to say those unkind words. The Bible speaks much more about the training of a child, than of how often we should have them.
I will be honest with you. I’ve probably said those most prideful, uncaring words more often than they’ve been said to me . . . and I wish I could go back and do it differently. If you were one of those unfortunate women that I had the audacity to speak those words to, I want you to know I apologize from the depths of my heart. It was most unkind, and I’m truly sorry.
So if you are behind that tired, stressed-out mama in the checkout line tomorrow – remember this. Instead of putting yourself up a notch higher than her, look gently into her eyes and tell her what a good mother she is! Compliment her on how helpful the oldest child is, even though the eggs do land on the floor. Tell her you love that beautiful smile coming from the ornery happy-chappy peeking out at you from the bottom rack of her grocery cart.
If you do so, you will see her stand a little taller. Those threatening tears may never come. She will leave the checkout line thinking that she can do this after all. That sleepless night coming will have the bitter edge taken off of it since she now believes that her job, although not glamorous, is getting done with all her heart.
Signing off,
One Tired Mama
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Carolyn Miller says
You’ve hit the nail squarely on the head!
I think the nicest thing a lady did for me while I was at the grocery when my kiddos were little was to see how stressed I was, and quietly and graciously help to unload my cart onto the belt.
(Then there was that time my boys completely tipped the cart over while in line. We won’t go there…)
Jane says
“To enter into solidarity with a suffering person does not mean that we have to talk with that person about our own suffering. Speaking about our own pain is seldom helpful for someone who is in pain. A wounded healer is someone who can listen to a person in pain without having to speak about his or her own wounds. When we have lived through a painful depression, we can listen with great attentiveness and love to a depressed friend without mentioning our experience.We have to trust that our own bandaged wounds will allow us to listen to others with our whole beings. That is healing.”
-Henri Nouwen
Abby Brimm says
It would really depend on how it is said. I can see where something like that may be said as a way of connecting w/ the momma having a hard time, as a way of saying, “I’ve been where you are, and I know it’s hard.”
Living In The Shoe says
Abby, that is also true! Carolyn, I’d love to hear your story sometime . . . we had an incident like that too. 😉
Gertrude Miller Slabach says
This makes me cry. I remember standing in a grocery check out line on a trip and a young upstart teen informed me that all my 2-year old needed was a good solid whooping. He was on medicine that made him hyper (the red dye in antibiotics), hadn’t had a nap and didn’t know anybody and did not do well with strangers. That was 25 years ago and I still remember wanting to smack her. Instead I just smiled. It was either that or cry.
Living in the Shoe says
Gertrude, I am still amazed at how insensitive people can be when they do not stop to consider “the story behind the story”! Reminds me to give a little grace to those I meet.
Gina says
Good reminder to watch my words. It brought to mind all the callous remarks I have made in the past. I’m sure I was a poor comforter. But I don’t think it is all pride. Though maybe it appears that way. Sometimes I mention the time when I had four children age five and under to demonstrate that I’ve been there and understand the weariness. To share that you will live through it. And maybe even can smile about those years. Some day.
I know that I can have older children and spaced out babies and still be weary and stressed! On even the best days, by the time I get to the check-out line, my patience is gone and it isn’t pretty. And I remember why I avoid the grocery store!
I watch my mother and see that older moms with grown children who still get weary. So thanks for the reminder that none of us have it all together and not to not add to a weary mom’s stress.
I don’t comment often – but I am often encouraged by what I read here. Thank you.
Gina
Living in the Shoe says
Oh I agree! I have older children now and still feel weary and stressed. And one thing I didn’t mention is that the very same words can be said, but in a different context and tone it means something different. I was trying to portray the attitude behind the words most of the time!
Erin Crary says
Reminds me of two very different shopping trips. One time, when Bubba was about 4 mo old, I snuck out to shop without the others. I was ill, weak, and had only gotten out of bed for the one trip that week. Bubba was screaming the whole time and I couldn’t get him to stop! This woman came up and called me abusive for not giving him a bottle or carrying him while I shopped instead of trying to hurry through the trip so I could get out of there and comfort him. She had no idea that I can’t pump, he wouldn’t take a bottle, can’t afford formula, had just changed him and fed him before going in, or that I’m disabled despite looking like a healthy young thing. I cried after that! It took weeks to shake the bad feeling it left me with.
Then there was another shopping trip with all 4 in tow. The oldest and I were unloading, the second was entertaining the third, and the baby was wailing (alwasy RIGHT as we get to check-out!). The lady behind me gave me a little grin, picked up Little Bit’s dropped blankie, dug out his binkie from under his tooshie for him and started peek-a-booing until I finished and had a hand free to take over. Never a word was spoken, but so much encouragement was given in that little interaction! It’s so nice when someone just chooses to be a help and a blessing.
Living in the Shoe says
Oh, I’m so sorry for such a bad experience – some people take no thought as to what others are going through or how they sound! But I’m glad your second experience was much better. She must have been a very sweet lady to be such a blessing!
Suan Fife says
What a kind thing to say to a frazzled mama ! I will say that next time. One thing I do say when a child is throwing a fit or they are having a tussle of some sort I will tell them not to think they are bothering me. I had four children and I have been through it all. And I tell them they will miss these days, although at that time I don’t think they really believe me. I am 50 yrs. old now and my youngest is 17. I sure would like to have some of those days back !
Living in the Shoe says
That is very thoughtful of you and I’m sure it is also appreciated!
Shari says
My Grandma told me the story of when one of her daughters was throwing a fit in the store. A “helpful” busybody suggested she needed a spanking. After awhile Grandma had enough and did just that. The next busybody walking by and rudely commented “kill her, why don’t you”. Good thing we aren’t responsible for how others raise their children. Some people should keep there noses attached to their faces unless they plan to be a Blessing;)
Living in the Shoe says
Oh my! You can’t please everybody else, that’s for sure. Your poor Grandma!
sandra yoder says
It is both a blessing and hard work to have one’s children close together; but to have your kids grow up to become responsible adults & great parents, making you a proud grandma is worth it all! It’s happened to me six times now. I have empathy for the moms and dads raising their children in today’s world and I do try to be an encourager when I see a tired mom with little ones. Respect does go both ways however and we grandmas deserve some 🙂
Living in the Shoe says
You most certainly deserve respect! I love hearing what older women, and grandmas :), have to say. Thank you for your encouragement!
Mom G says
All of you, Kendra and commenters, very well said!