Sometimes when the sun is setting over the mountains toward the west, I simply stand and gaze . . . and wonder. I wonder what it will be like when I finally am allowed to let go of these cords that bind me to earth – and I fly Home. What will it be like to stand before that awesome throne and look down at the crown in my hands? Will my spirit be able to handle the magnitude of Jehovah and the nearness of His presence? Just to be close to Him.
Sometimes I get just a sliver of what heaven must be like . . . when my soul comes to the throne in prayer. A feeling of God’s peace and presence that breaks through my struggles and fears – and I know He is near.
But it is not always like this. There was a week almost two months ago where it felt as if the door to the King’s throne room had been shut to me. It was a busy week – I don’t remember what exactly was going on, except that I knew I was so busy my personal Bible reading was getting shortened or skipped. My prayer time is usually anywhere and everywhere I am that God lays something on my heart . . . and some little person isn’t yelling “Mom!” I pray best in my kitchen, my garden, and I even have a path in my basement where the tears have flowed as I cry out to God from the bowels of my home. Besides, it’s quiet down there and the kids don’t find me as easily!
However, this particular week there was nothing when I prayed. I prayed, but it was feeling more and more like a one-sided conversation. I did not feel God’s Spirit stirring my heart. Usually when I feel this way, I know it may be that there is sin in my life and will beg God to reveal it to me. Yet nothing came to light.
Over the past months, I have begun to realize I need this connection with the Father that comes through pouring out my heart to Him . . . just like a thirsty, dying man needs water. It’s not a want anymore – it is a desperate need. Once you have tasted of the goodness of the Lord, you realize all other shallow, earthly pleasures are like sawdust to your spirit.
By the end of the week, I was desperately thirsty for my God. Why was He so silent? It felt like my prayers crashed into the cloud cover hanging over the valley and then slammed back to earth to shatter at my feet. In essence, it was like all feelings of vibrant faith had left . . . leaving only a quiet hush.
It was sometime around Sunday and I think we may have even been sitting in Sunday School when this thought hit me: every single thing I believed last week when the feelings of faith were there . . . I still believed this week – even though there was nothing but silence.
My feelings did not determine the truth of the Scriptures. His Word stood true no matter what I was feeling. God is constant like that!
And so in that moment, my spirit whispered to God: “I still believe everything I believed last week.” In my heart, I knew He was the faithful one, even when my body and my emotions sometimes wimped out on me. He would always be my rock and my hiding place. Simply because I chose to believe.
Little did I know that it was the hush before the whirlwind, the calm before that hurricane, the quiet of the teacher before He opens His mouth to speak. It had been simply that . . . a hush. A waiting in the shadows before He would pour out His Spirit into our lives in a way we had not experienced before.
Monday morning dawned like most Mondays – but through circumstances I cannot reveal here, God ushered us into the lives and hearts of a couple who were going through some deep struggles. On that very day.
Looking back, it wasn’t that Heaven had been shut or God had turned away. He had simply been waiting, testing. Perhaps He had been saying, “Are you really ready for the waters I am going to immerse you in for the next weeks, months, or years? How badly do you want and desire Me – and only Me?”
I don’t pretend to know what God Almighty thinks . . . I only know I was a parched and thirsty soul. And once He opened the floodgates of Heaven, I couldn’t get enough. When we saw what we were dealing with in this counselling situation, I shed more tears at the throne of the King than I had in a long while. Since snow covers my garden, I resorted to my kitchen and basement . . . it was there I struggled, I pleaded, I begged, and I wept. For hurts. For healing. For redemption. For love – His love to flow through me.
So if you find yourself wrapped in silence, your heart is pure before God, and yet your prayers lay shattered at your feet . . . it might just simply be the quiet while God waits to see how much you desire Him and only Him.
And ye shall seek Me, and find Me,
when ye shall search for Me with all your heart.