firsts. lasts.
My head is tired. Sometimes all of me is tired.
I came across my old journal the other week. We are nearing the final stages of packing up to move this month. And as I became more and more engrossed in my journal, I realized how much good it is for me to write things down. My thoughts and feelings. Laughter and tears.
But it can be incredibly hard to write when there is a part of you that feels dead on the inside.
Yet journals are honest things. Perhaps it’s time for me to write about my summer months.
It’s been a strange summer. I had a bunch of bloodwork done and discovered I have hypothyroidism. This explained many things that had been going on such as the feeling that I was getting colder and colder and colder. I just figured the older you get, the colder you get. Then a mild depression hit and I found myself on the couch with no motivation whatsoever. This included taking care of my garden. And you all know how much I love to garden! Thankfully, that only lasted about a month. But the garden is still suffering, and I just let it go. Some things you have to let go.
Fatigue was there as well and still is some days, but it’s getting better. Forgetfulness, weepiness, emotions all over the place, the feeling that something inside you is dying, the inability to lose weight – only gain it. Feelings of worthlessness. Now that one blew me away. I didn’t expect that.
However, all that to say we are hopefully on the way down the other side of that mountain. I have been feeling my old energy and mindset coming back. But the summer of listening to my body and resting has been so good. Next week I get tested for Hashimoto’s. Now I know that’s a long and funky-looking word, but it may have some real repercussions diet-wise if I test postive for that. Yet I am choosing to enjoy this week – and I will deal with Hashi’s next week if I must.
I will admit to one of my greatest faults. I am extremely uncomfortable with change. I love the security of things being the same, people the same, my home the same, my moods the same. My little people the same.
But life is about change. And God is teaching me His will in change.
How do I know there isn’t something more beautiful on the other side of this change? Perhaps it’s the fear of the unknown that makes me love my security so much.
My baby began first grade yesterday. Without me.
I loved him for it. He was SO excited to begin school! And I did not begrudge him for this excitement. You see, I remember so distinctly how incredibly ready I was for first grade. I begged and begged my mom to let me go to kindergarten and then when I finally could begin first grade, I positively ate it up! However, my six-year-old brain had no concept of the mama’s heart that let me go. Yet I am so glad she did not hold back my excitement, but cut those strings and let me fly!
But sometimes before a mama snips those strings, she must first make sure the little man has a clean face.
This school year has several firsts to it. First grade for Dallas, our youngest. First year of high school for our daughter. First year without our oldest son in school, since he graduated last year. First year on my own since almost 18 years ago before our oldest was born. It is a feeling that is hard to describe.
We also have a last. Our second son is beginning his last year of school. And I can say that it has been years since he was so excited to begin school! And seeing him excited made me excited! He has worked so hard, but would much rather be doing projects with his hands. So graduation will mean much to him!
But with these changes, these firsts and lasts, the coming and going of my children, and the realization that life is fleeting brings to mind my precious Savior. He will never change. He never outgrows me. He never gives up on me.
Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever.
Hebrews 13:8
He is always there. It is this sameness that makes me know I can trust every single word He has spoken. And I love Him for it.
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Glendora says
Love you, dear friend!
Kendra says
Love you, too. 😉 It was so good to see you!